Dark Clouds to Brighter Skies

It's been a while since I wrote in this blog, talking about the adoption trauma that's followed me through my life. Today, 6th November 2023, it's been 6 years since I had found my daughter. About 12 months ago, so 5 years after I had found my daughter, I thought it probably was a good idea to get some therapy as I was living under a very dark cloak of depression and suicidal thoughts. The sessions enabled me to grieve for the first loss of my daughter when I was 15 and now, the second loss. I realised that my thoughts had led me to live in a world that was completely made up, nothing about it was real. I invented stories as to why my daughter didn't want to be in touch with me and I believed those stories were true. I was living in a world of fiction inside my head. I'd been stuck in a loop for 5 years and it had been so emotionally painful. I came to understand that none of my made up stories were true, the stories were just thoughts inside my head.

I came to accept that she might never want to know me, ever. A very painful truth but a truth that I have accepted.

I took a course of anti-depressants which helped me to find my way back from the darkness and to lift some of the heavy black cloaks that I carried on my back. After 6 months, I decided it was time to try and live without the tablets, they had done their job, so I weaned myself off them. So here I am, I still think about my daughter every day but I think the obsessions and all consuming thoughts, whilst still there, are less intrusive.

I still live in hope that one day she will want to know me but I can also accept that there is every chance that she won't.

There's still an awful lot of 'stuff' that I need to unravel and work through. I am trying to be a better version of me and work through the barriers, be more self aware, be kinder and more grateful for what I do have and not begrudging what I don't have. It doesn't stop the pain but it kind of helps make life more bearable.